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She is
laughing;
she tosses her hair back and
she laughs at the world
who cannot hope to match her stride.
She meets eyes unashamedly,
she is radiant with confidence.


She is shy,
timid,
her eyes are downcast and
her cheeks are mottled
red.
Her words are whispers,
her breaths are sighs.


She is a sly smile.
She is a soft
whisper in his ear.
She does not seem to know
who she is.


He wants
to peel back the layers.
(though they are both afraid
that what lies beneath

is ugly.)


He wants
to speak to her.
But the words are stuck
in his throat,
suffocated with the
absence

of

oxygen
and he has nothing
to give her.


He wonders
if there was ever any truth
in either of them.
In him for loving not-her
the way everyone loves not-her,
or in her,
for the elaborate
(gorgeous) façade.


He wants to tell her
he adores her, but
he has no oxygen around her
(no words to give her),
no conviction to assure her with,
no one to love but fiction,
and he is silent.


(you are a contradiction.)
Hey guys! Sorry to be away for so long, but here's something from a poetry class I'm taking this term. If you recognize this at all, you're not crazy - it's a revamped version of this old prose piece ([link]). Tell me what you think! Better? Worse? Too flowery? Too simple? Or just tell me if you enjoyed reading it!

I'm gonna try to get more stuff up on here, but every time I take a new class I get scared to post anything original on here - especially if it's going into my writing portfolio. So I am honestly sorry if I don't post much on here. :C

(also i had this lined up and structure differently but frEAKING DEVIANTART asjafjkasf;aksbfNlkna)

writing @ ~AndThenYou
Add a Comment:
 
:icongorgeouszombiegirl:
gorgeouszombiegirl Featured By Owner May 13, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
I read both of the versions and I like them both equally. Honestly, it was really sweet. Being a girl who is confident, it sort of encouraged me not to change into a girl who doesn't know who she is. So yes, you write well. :) Thanks!
Reply
:iconadventuretimelover92:
<3
Reply
:iconunderthoselights:
UnderThoseLights Featured By Owner Feb 19, 2013
This is incredible! I love that line- 'he has no oxygen around her'
Reply
:iconlilyboxes:
lilyboxes Featured By Owner Feb 9, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
This is a massive improvement! Those classes seem pretty fun, glad you're doing so well.
Reply
:iconhisdarkdesire:
hisdarkdesire Featured By Owner Feb 8, 2013
I loved the first version of this but it always felt lacking. This filled everything it could've wanted. This is beautiful, you've done it again. I love it so much, very provocative
Reply
:icontarvitus:
Tarvitus Featured By Owner Feb 8, 2013
Really inspiring and thought-provoking!!
Reply
:iconreubendeflash:
ReubenDeFlash Featured By Owner Feb 7, 2013  Student Writer
I actually prefer this to the old piece, though they both have their strengths and weaknesses, but I have to say the very last line was jarring for me; the change of narrative didn't quite go with the rest, but that's just a personal opinion.
Reply
:iconandthenyou:
AndThenYou Featured By Owner Feb 11, 2013   Writer
I was considering that, too, actually! The last line might have worked better with the prose version than this one C:
Anyways, thanks for commenting! :hug:
Reply
:iconreubendeflash:
ReubenDeFlash Featured By Owner Dec 31, 2013  Student Writer
No problem! Missing your writing.
Reply
:iconpipe-stream:
Pipe-stream Featured By Owner Feb 6, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
I love it! I definitely think it's more thought-provoking than the old piece :)
Reply
:icondhbw:
DHBW Featured By Owner Feb 6, 2013
wow...deep...in a sense anyway..will be pondering this for awhile...
Reply
:iconravenclaw99:
ravenclaw99 Featured By Owner Feb 6, 2013
I totally know how you feel, being hesitant to post anything original because it might get published one day. This has been the reason for my great inactivity!
This is beautiful, by the way. The last line especially. :D
Reply
:iconseabit:
Seabit Featured By Owner Feb 6, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Oh, wow. This is beautiful :heart:
Reply
:iconhpotty:
hpotty Featured By Owner Feb 6, 2013  Student
beautiful!
Reply
:iconelfgirlunltd:
elfgirlunltd Featured By Owner Feb 5, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Wow! I love it! It paints kind of a beautifully tragic picture. I like the way you formatted it to - it makes the reading more dynamic I think.
Reply
:iconsoralove:
SoraLove Featured By Owner Feb 5, 2013  Student Traditional Artist
Really meaningful and sweet, amazing poem!
Reply
:iconpurple-mist-rising:
Purple-mist-rising Featured By Owner Feb 5, 2013   Traditional Artist
I like this version better than the original. It's beautiful and flows so well. He sounds so sad, while she seems secretly unsure and under confident. A really beautiful piece.
Reply
:iconin-the-mourning:
in-the-mourning Featured By Owner Feb 5, 2013  Student General Artist
i love it! its so delicate it makes me wish i could hold it in my hand and cherish it, if that dooesn't sound too weird haha
Reply
:iconnoiseflag:
NoiseFlag Featured By Owner Feb 5, 2013
I liked it. It's builds a great image and reflects most people exactly. (Or so I think!)Great job!
Reply
:iconbreezypixy:
breezypixy Featured By Owner Feb 5, 2013
You basically could have been describing me... only a more beautiful me. I loved it!
Also, in comparison, I think the idea of her changing is a little less clear than in the prose piece, but I think this is much prettier and flows better.
Reply
:iconsplendid-spasticness:
That's what I loved about this piece. It's detailed, but also general enough to be talking about anyone. It's relatable.
I think the form and additional narrative makes it fuller. I'm very impressed. :)
Reply
:iconasterlia:
Asterlia Featured By Owner Feb 5, 2013  Student General Artist
This is beautiful! And I actually liked the structure and phrasing of it :)
Reply
:iconfurnacefairy:
FurnaceFairy Featured By Owner Feb 5, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
I really loved reading this :3
Reply
:iconinadequatelytalented:
InadequatelyTalented Featured By Owner Feb 5, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
I love it! The only thing is that I'm not 100% sure about the phrasing. It's really beautiful though.
Reply
:iconandthenyou:
AndThenYou Featured By Owner Feb 5, 2013   Writer
the phrasing is a little awkward; i'm still working on it, trying to figure out how to revise without completely losing what i was aiming for in the original. maybe it works better as prose?

anyways, thanks so much! C:
Reply
:iconinadequatelytalented:
InadequatelyTalented Featured By Owner Feb 5, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Sure thing. I think that it is nice as poetry, but I think that it also flows nicely as prose, it's up to you. I can't wait to read more!
Reply
:iconart-life-laughter:
art-life-laughter Featured By Owner Feb 5, 2013
this is awesome!!! :D
Reply
:icon2ndcandle:
2ndCandle Featured By Owner Feb 5, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Very good. Not your best (sorry to somewhat harsh) but good. :) This is just my opinion though.
Reply
:iconandthenyou:
AndThenYou Featured By Owner Feb 5, 2013   Writer
Nah, feel free to tell me! I'm glad you shared. C:

to be honest, I do feel like I could do better than this, so I'm glad you said that, ha. Thanks for reviewing! :hug:
Reply
:iconesrs:
esrs Featured By Owner Feb 5, 2013  Hobbyist
Deep. That's all I have to say, and I truly mean it!
Reply
:iconwalkingthroughashes:
WalkingThroughAshes Featured By Owner Feb 5, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
This is absolutely Beautiful. Bravo.
Reply
:iconsatu-aka:
Satu-aka Featured By Owner Feb 5, 2013
I love it! It is beautiful. I can feel the emotions behind it, it makes my chest tight. You really have a gift with words.
Reply
:iconsnake--bites:
Snake--Bites Featured By Owner Feb 5, 2013  Student Digital Artist
I really, really love this poem u v u I think a lot of us can relate to this piece very well u v u
I'm not very good at all as interpretation of literature, so sorry if my interpretation may be a bit bland u v u;; But I think I myself can be both shy, sly, and confident all at once, if that makes any sense :''y And it's true, it sort of does feel like I myself am a huge contradiction ;; But I'm not sure if these personalities are a "facade" or just me being a confused dummy ; 7 ;
ohmygosh I have so much more to say but I feel like I've been rambling so I'll just be quiet now ;; I really love this piece though! ; 7 ; <33
Reply
:iconjmetropolis:
JmetRopolis Featured By Owner Feb 5, 2013
This is so beautiful!
Reply
:icondestiny-gleek:
destiny-gleek Featured By Owner Feb 5, 2013  Student General Artist
This is amazing and precious. XD is it weird to call a poem precious?
Reply
:iconflooshy98:
flooshy98 Featured By Owner Feb 5, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
it's beautiful. and i got first comment!! yay!
Reply
:iconandthenyou:
AndThenYou Featured By Owner Feb 5, 2013   Writer
Haha, thank you! That's a lovely thing to say :heart:
Reply
:iconflooshy98:
flooshy98 Featured By Owner Feb 5, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
it's only the truth :D
Reply
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